Neurodiversity in DNB – The People Speak!
Hello and welcome to our first truly collaborative, community led article. While I instigated it in the first place, the responses and shared experiences are from a genuine mix of people in our community, so before we go any further, I publicly give thanks and praise to those brave enough to step forward and express an interest in being involved. Of course, the title of this article should read – Neurodiversity In Life – because it’s present in EVERY aspect of life and in every corner of human existence, AND HAS BEEN FOR EVER! It’s just that now people are starting to find out about it more due to a recent influx of public information in the wider media.
It must be said, I am NOT a qualified health professional, or a one man pity party, or a preacher! I am a neurodiverse person with neurodiverse children. The following notes are just things I have picked up along my journey that may help you as you consider ways to embrace neurodiversity. At 47 years of age, I’ve built up quite a catalogue of first hand knowledge (which you will read first if you stay with us) and what follows these notes are the thoughts and feelings of people within drum and bass that I have talked to or communicated with recently.
Autism, ADHD and the plethora of associated neurodiverse conditions are very real and very present within our DNB community (and ALL communities and in life!). This article will give you a little flavour of what people on the spectrum deal with on a daily basis. If this piece raises even a little bit of awareness within our scene then my mission is complete.
So a good and probably the most logical place to start is by asking the question, what is neurodiversity? And why should you care?
“Neurodiversity” is a popular term that’s used to describe differences in the way people’s brains work. The idea is that there’s no “correct” way for the brain to work. Instead, there is a wide range of ways that people perceive and respond to the world, and these differences are to be embraced and encouraged.
Neurodiversity was coined in the 1990s to fight stigma against people with autism, as well as ADHD and learning disorders like dyslexia.
It’s grown into a movement to support people who are neurodivergent — outside of the mainstream in the way their brains work — and to focus on developing their strengths and talents.
The movement acknowledges that autism, ADHD and Learning Difficulties do cause impairment. That is, they can create obstacles that get in the way of neurodiverse people doing the things they want to do, and treatment should help them reduce symptoms that interfere with their goals.
But supporters argue that some of the things identified as impairment are caused by problems in neurodiverse people’s environments — from kids’ birthday parties to school classrooms to adult workplaces, which can be made more comfortable for them. And they are often excluded from things by neurotypical people who misunderstand them.
Lately neurodiversity has also become an identity sometimes adopted by teenagers who are struggling socially. The concept gives them a brain-based explanation for their difficulties: “I’m like this because my brain works this way.” And it can help them feel connected to others who identify as neurodivergent.
Source: What Is Neurodiversity? – Child Mind Institute
So, this may include conditions like Autism, ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder), Dyspraxia (spatial awareness issues/clumsiness), Dyslexia (issues with reading, writing and spelling), Dyspraxia (issues with numbers and mental maths), PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and a whole host of other conditions, many of which will overlap in any one individual. One of the key features of all of these (in my opinion) is the overriding sensation of anxiety. Anxiety is generally the neurodivergent persons worst enemy, most constant partner and also in my experience, the general end product of most, if not all of these conditions.
It has also come to my attention that many, many people on the spectrum are deeply spiritual and connected with their own spirituality and the spirituality of the world, but I’ll let you consider that for yourself.
A good analogy of the differences in brain function between neurotypicals and neurodiverse people is that neurotypicals might have windows as an operating system and neurodiverse people might use mac, or vice versa. We think differently and also act differently, especially under pressure.
The daily environment might induce pressure by default for a neurodiverse person. It could simply be lighting, sound, temperature or the amount of people in the same space that can cause this pressure or anxiety. Solutions could be as simple as using a fidget toy or wearing headphones. Sensory issues like noise and light are often also major triggers.
For example, you will rarely see me in the office without my headphones on, and this is because background noise of all sorts and poor lighting can cause me to lose concentration very quickly. In fact, you will rarely see me in the office, because the background distractions are overwhelming! This is a normal physical response for neurodiverse people.
Social anxiety is a normal physical and emotional state for neurodiverse people. Crowded spaces and large groups of people can be extremely problematic and can often induce a fight or flight effect.
For example, if you see me in the dance, I might well be right in the middle of the crowd where I don’t have to talk to anyone! The great thing about raving is that I’m getting my fix of music and people, but I’m not forced into any kind of difficult dialogue with anyone! This is not me being ignorant, it’s me being neurodiverse! Conversely, I may be at the back or around the edges, simply observing. Either way, I might seem like I’m ignoring you. Trust me. I’m not!
Outer edges and seats at the back of the room are the usual places even neurotypical people will choose by default, so times that desire by 10!
Masking is a common feature of neurodiverse people. They will tell you that everything is amazing in their life and will fool you into thinking they are okay when quite often they are the complete opposite. They will learn to show their public side very well in a lot of cases. They might also learn to mimic certain responses from others during the course of their life, and this will also make it very hard for neurotypicals to ‘see through’ the mask. This can flip unpredictably, and so the easiest way is to mask it all regardless.
For example, I will bounce down the corridor at work and give a smile and engage in the politest of chit chat, but inside I am often riddled with anxiety over the most ‘trivial’ things. This is often linked to emotional dysphoria, which is where feelings and emotions are exacerbated into feelings of utter dread and can feel very similar to depression. This is also linked to ADHD/Autism BURN OUT, when the brain has literally just had enough and will SHUT DOWN. I will often say out of the blue at home that I’m off to bed, just to find some time to re-charge, with no apparent explanation of why I need to do this.
Neurodiverse people with ADHD as part of their diagnosis often need constant movement to regulate their core feelings, so those who tap or talk or fidget are probably self regulating. This is not always ideal for teachers, but give a moment to consider that it’s not ideal for the learner either!
For example, I am rarely seen without a sweeping brush or wandering around the workshop or painting or sorting at work. This is how I self regulate. I will also generally take a half hour walk every dinner at exactly 12 o clock to burn off some anxiety and energy. I’m just decompressing.
This is also linked to structure, which is often incredibly important for neurodivergent people. SUDDEN CHANGES TO TIMETABLES OF ESTABLISHED PLANS CAN BE A NIGHTMARE FOR NEURODIVERGENT PEOPLE!
The ADHD brain often requires regular dopamine hits, and this can be induced by risk taking, acting out, new discoveries, creative endeavours or movement. This is a neurological need, not a choice.
Body movements like swinging, spinning or tapping are quite normal for neurodivergent people. Many sports people including those who enjoy repetitive movement like swimming, running or hardcore weight training are likely ADHD, often without knowing it. They are chasing physical stimuli in order to self regulate.
Neurodiverse people often also have a distinctive walk or gait. Look out for it. It often consists of a very straight back and a stomping type walk of some kind.
For example, I have been told many times I have a distinctive bounce and sometimes I can even hear myself coming down the corridor!
Neurodiverse boys will often be unkempt with hair and nails that noticeably need a cut. This is because the stimuli explosion of a barbers shop or the nail clippers can be so overwhelming that they would rather not endure it. The same often goes for other areas of personal hygiene like teeth and deodorant. The alternative is that they might have a self care regime that involves military precision. This is a general observation. It is not an absolute. As adulthood sets in this will often regulate into something a little more managable.
Neurodiverse girls will often wear lots of make up and will have noticeably different hair styles. This is because quite often they will use the physical and mental stimuli, or the ‘doing’ bit of hair and make up to self regulate. They can also rebel against all of that and often choose a very distinct ‘alternative’ look. Alternatively, some will mask so well that you wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a crowd at all. This is a general observation. It is not an absolute. . As adulthood sets in this will often regulate into something a little more manageable.
MAKE-UP CAN ALSO BE USED AS A MASK!
Neurodiverse people will often choose to dress differently and may have a distinct ‘look’ or style. I think that a lot of the time they ‘feel’ different and express that through looking different too. There is a distinct difference between fashion style and neurodivergent style. Look out for it.
Neurodiverse people often have distinctive eyes. In darker eyes they tend to be intense and have a distinct, almost piercing stare. In lighter eyes they tend to be wide and almost un-blinking, however I have seen this reversed. They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul and with neurodiverse people I believe this to be absolutely true. They will often stare intently into the eyes of a conversational partner while the partner is talking, but will often find eye contact very difficult when talking back. In a group setting direct eye contact can be very, very tricky.
For example, if I’m talking to you and I’m not looking at you, it’s taking place subconsciously because my brain is desperately trying to process both what I’m saying while I’m saying it! IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL! Conversely, if I’m staring you out while you’re talking to me, I’m not trying to stare you out. I’m just concentrating on what you are saying!
People don’t need to look at you to listen to you. Try and distinguish between them not being bothered and showing signs of neurodiversity. I know neurodiverse people who will yawn and fiddle as well as not look at me while I’m talking to them. They are subconsciously self regulating so they can concentrate! Seeming to stare through you is also a common feature.
Executive functioning is often a major aspect of being neurodiverse.
Unfortunately, society often dictates that if the brain can’t induce the required response (often in an ‘expected’ time frame, then that person is ‘slow’, ‘dumb’, ‘thick’ or has ‘nothing going on upstairs’. I have heard all of these comments many times over in my teaching career. Unfortunately, this is how SOME neurotypicals see us!
While many neurodiverse people can execute extreme creativity and elements of genius, Alan Turing, Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Mozart, Bill Gates, Greta Thunberg, Anthony Hopkins, Gary Numan, Will.I.Am and Elon Musk among many (we will leave Vladimir Putin at the door), they can also often suffer with both rigid thinking and poor executive functioning. These are the bits that society generally see in the public setting (because we a front facing race) and as a result these are the bits that help other people create a snapshot of our abilities (or so called ‘inabilities’).
General functions that society judges us upon, like time keeping, tidiness, organisation, ‘common sense’ and communication are often very, very difficult for neurodivergent people to maintain, so we’re born already on the back foot.
For example, I have been teaching since 2006, but often forget crucial, key information and have a paper trail as long as my arm to help me remember the details that neurotypicals would consider essential to my role. This is how I have adapted. I have found a way around my poor executive functioning, but there are still moments when this is incredibly difficult, especially when under pressure. Recall is a major problem for me.
Neurodiverse people will often need time consider their answers and putting them on the spot, even in a one to one situation can cause serious distress.
For example, If you ask me a face to face question involving data or numbers, please give me a suitable amount of time to respond. My brain works differently to yours!!
Neurodivergent people will often ‘zone out’ at crucial moments in a conversation because extraneous noise or visual stimuli will attract our attention. Asking for information to be repeated ‘when you’re supposed to be listening’ is highly embarrassing, and we will often nod and pretend we heard in the hope that we can wing it rather than look like we weren’t listening. We were listening and we are interested, but something got in the way!
Neurodiverse people very often have ‘special interests’. In the 80’s it was common to see train spotters where I used to live, in obligatory anoraks and with notebooks taking down numbers of trains and carriages. I understand now that they were most likely on the autistic spectrum and were engaging in their special interest. Unfortunately back then, and maybe even still today, they were the butt of everybody’s jokes. Special interests in boys are quite often the military and weapons or individual people, often celebrities or those with an artistic or creative background.
For example, mine are World War 2, drum and bass, music history, art history and general history. I love to read biographies about people.
or could be music and musical instruments of some kind. In girls it is often make up, music, art and fashion.
For example, my daughter’s is Taylor Swift.
Trains, machines, electronics, books, history, sci-fi, collectibles and plush toys are also firm favourites. Get stuck in a conversation with a neurodiverse person about their special interest and you’ll often wish you never had (unless you share the same interest!). I am well aware that I could talk the hind legs off a donkey if you start a conversation on World War two or drum and bass!
School is often a neurodivergent persons worst nightmare and not many will tell you it was a good experience. They are often picked on and ridiculed because of their ‘differences’, both in their cognitive function and their ‘look’.
Many neurotypical children have absolutely no concept of the destructiveness of their flippant bullying, violent reactions or spiteful actions. These can be soul destroying for neurodivergent children and the scars are often carried throughout their entire life. They are also often very gullible and eager to ‘fit in’ during their school years and this will make them vulnerable. This is masking at its absolute worst and is highly detrimental.
For example, I was the one they got drunk first at parties for laughs, was pushed around in a shopping trolley in the name of fun and at college, given a leg up over the college wall (coincidently, nobody else was) only to fall over the other side and sprain my wrist, ending in a visit to A&E. All this (and many more ridiculous capers) just to ‘fit in’.
The modern educational system is not set up to cater properly for neurodivergent children and they will often either fail academically at mainstream school, or fail physically at school and simply stop attending due to chronic overwhelm.
This automatically damages their chances of survival in life because their grades will take an obvious hit. Low grades automatically reduce a persons chance of gaining well paid and ‘meaningful’ work. They are already ruined! On the flipside to that, over achievers (often children with Asperger’s) will gain immaculate grades but will suffer emotionally because friendships and relationships generally are notoriously hard for neurodivergent people to maintain. Great grades. No social life. That said, there is a huge market for neurodivergent people in many tech companies (due to extreme hyperfocus) and the creative arts are safe havens for many neurodivergent people because for some reason, many are naturally gifted in terms of creativity.
Many (but not all) neurodivergent people will self medicate at some point in their life order to bring calm to their natural world. This might mean using legal stimulants like caffeine, tobacco and alcohol or illegal stimulants like drugs to excess simply to ‘escape’. The implication of this does not need to be pointed out and while we cannot make these decisions for them, in some instances we may be able to spot it and help them. At the very least, we may see patterns emerge that might give us an insight. Neurotypicals seem to be able to indulge with little or no consequences but for those on the other side of the coin, it can be a very rocky road to say the least.
A new report written by the Chief Inspector of Prisons, ‘Neurodiversity in the Criminal Justice System’, (2021) suggests that it’s possible that half of people entering prison can “be expected to have some form of neurodivergent condition which impacts their ability to engage.”
Source: Wisdom Wednesdays: Neurodiversity in the Criminal Justice System – Catch22 (catch-22.org.uk)
Recent research also suggests that there is an extremely strong link between ADHD in particular and suicide rates. Neurodivergent girls in particular are 8 times more likely to commit suicide because they internalise, or ‘mask’ their distress more than boys, but boys are still at a high risk. This is serious.
The statistics illustrate just how significant the risk of suicide is for Autistic people
- Autistic adults with no learning Disability are 9x more likely to die by suicide than the general population
- It is the second leading cause of death for autistic people. The average life expectancy for autistic people is 54 years old.
- Up to 66% of autistic adults have considered suicide
- Autistic children are 28X more likely to attempt suicide
- One study showed that 15% of autistic children had suicidal thoughts compared to 0.5% of typically developing children
- In the 86 days leading up to the first lockdown and up to 56 days after, a quarter of young people who died by suicide were autistic or had ADHD.
Neurodivergency is generally hereditary and the parents of these children will often (but not always) stand out in neurotypical circles. This makes for a double whammy and ads to the ammunition, because the whole family can stick out as being different to their neurotypical counterparts. Recent figures suggest that 71% of neurodivergent people are unemployed (because holding down a job is so difficult, we are talking about a disability here after all – albeit a HIDDEN one) and this throws up all sorts of extra connotations. Trust me when I say school is not an easy journey for these children. Bullying often stems from these factors and this is something to keep a watchful eye on.
A large percentage of LGBTQ+ people are also neurodiverse. This means that in their lives they will not only have to deal with the trauma of coming out as LGBTQ+ (because society largely STILL sees this is as an abnormality!!) they will also have the trauma of coming out as neurodiverse (if they even know it or if they are diagnosed). Another double whammy!!!!!!!!!
So with all this said and done, where does DNB fit into all of this, and where do the people fit into DNB?
Following a post on our Instagram account recently about neurodiversity, we had a really interesting response from those who were brave enough to come forward as being neurodiverse and what it meant to them. This in turn prompted us to think about writing an article featuring the thoughts and feelings of those who reached out, and here’s the result. Some participants have expressed a wish to remain anonymous.
So with all this said, it might be interesting to look at the age range that the people involved with this article first realised they might be neurodiverse.
Canadian DJ Beats Pacific Guru, a regular on Twitch says “I learned about my ADHD when I was about 7 or 8 years old, at that time I was also diagnosed with bi-polar, or as they called it back then ‘manic depressive’. However, also at the time I wasn’t at all aware of what those diagnoses meant” and he’s not alone. At the other end of the spectrum of discovery, an anonymous contributor says they weren’t diagnosed until they were 35, and I myself have been on the waiting list for an adult assessment since 2018, and as such am self diagnosed.
Being diagnosed during those early years can be both a blessing and curse. On the one hand it can highlight issues and areas and in many cases, give reasons for certain behavioural patterns, but can also open up those being diagnosed to certain levels of ridicule, both by peers and professionals.
Guru elaborates here, stating “It was hell. Sheer fucking hell. I was constantly in the principals office for fighting as the other kids would target me for my differences and knew how easily they could get me to fight. Beyond that, I never fit in, not with social circles, not in class, not at home, nowhere. In the late 80’s when I was diagnosed I was initially put in the “special” class, which at the time encompassed everything from down syndrome to kids with severe learning difficulties. I had a multitude of teachers and adults tell me I was dumb, or would never amount to anything as a result of my poor grades and my difficulty in concentrating and regurgitating information.
Classes like Math and Science were impossible to me at the time, but I excelled in Language Arts and Social Studies, loving the topic of World Wars, Medieval times, and having the space to be creative and tell stories. Telling a story was a passion of mine from childhood, and English class gave me the outlet for that, so while I was failing in math, I was one of the tops of my class in English”.
Australian producer Handsprime had a similar experience, adding “I had to have a teachers aid to support me during class (both Primary and High School). Due to my weirdness, I often got bullied due to how easy it was for me to get a reaction out of, and for some of the things I had said/done. I was put into mainstream classes as my parents did not believe I was appropriate enough for special education, but I was put in some special classes outside of school in 2010 and 2012”
Sarky Dubz’ Rachel hasn’t yet received a diagnosis, but the story is the same regardless, because the condition takes no prisoners “Although undiagnosed, I found the problem came when transitioning from primary to secondary school. I had higher than average intelligence levels but was always kept away from test results etc. as my parents seemed to think this was a good idea. When I got to secondary school I struggled due to bullying as my behaviour was often “odd” or “eccentric” and I would amaze people (and intimidate them) with my imagination, intuitive knowledge, & problem solving skills.
Other problems included extreme anxiety attacks eg when trying to make my own way to secondary school on public buses for the first time. I would have a breakdown and run home almost every morning, not understanding what was going on and why I couldn’t just be normal. I would be consistently late to things, having left at the last possible minute every single day, and once there I suffered from extreme homesickness. This kind of anxiety continued into working life with the same situation cropping up in the mornings“
A later life diagnosis can be just as difficult to navigate.
“I stay at home if I can, any new environment is a source of stress for me. Crowded places scare me. I can be very touch intrusive to others – I’m aware of that so I try to prevent myself, it helps if people state that they don’t like it – but I don’t like being touched very much (I love a good hug though). In general I hate any form of constraint. The learning skills and knowledge is a source of pleasure for me. I learned various things, from knifemaking to sound design, I love quantum physics, astronomy, leather craft, drawing, graffiti, letters, I play three instruments… But it’s too much so I’m a bad case of impotent jack of all trades” says an anonymous contributor, and The Tattooed Mama, a drum and bass fan from the UK with Autism, ADHD, OCD, Tourette’s AND Fibromyalgia, adds “when I was first given my autism diagnosis and a family member referred to it as a learning difficulty it absolutely broke me. I had never considered myself to have a learning disability. Each day has its own challenges but understanding myself is really helping me get through the tough patches. I am very literal. I took instructions wrong and needed a lot of time to process information. I excelled at science and adore Physics and Maths but I needed to do these things in my time to understand them. I’d fall behind and struggle in class and then spend time at home reading and be ahead for the next class. I also felt very socially awkward and didn’t have a huge amount of friendships”
As stated, ome of us are undiagnosed, or even self diagnosed. Here at INSIDE DNB we fit that catagory. This in itself can be a weird headspace to be in. My children are diagnosed, and to me there is nothing more obvious to me than my own status, but for others just embarking on this journey of realisation it’s a confusing time. Rachel explains “Only in the last few years have I really started to accept that I am neurodiverse (I’m nearly 40). Whilst it’s been a blessing to now have explanations for a lot of issues I’ve faced through my life, I’m finding the adjustment challenging and often feel like a bit of a fraud“
Realising that you’re ‘different’ can have a huge impact when you finally realise who, and what you are. So how does it affect the way you feel about yourself and your place in the world? The view seems to be quite different for different people. We are after all, all one in a million. Handsprime says “In a way it’s opened my mind to help explain why I do the things that I do. I never really think about my place in the world to be honest” whereas for Guru “it has been the most difficult and most rewarding aspect of my life. I was diagnosed around 7-8 like I said, and at the time I began a regiment of Ritalin. When I was a child, and began taking that drug I felt like a zombie. Unable to express emotion, mostly numb and subdued, I hated it. I wasn’t able to be myself and I was put on a drug that altered who I was at a time when we are learning how to define who we are.
I quit taking Ritalin when I was about twelve, shortly after discovering marijuana. I began using marijuana at the tail end of grade seven and became a habitual user, using multiple times a day, and have continued to this day. Now I struggle with that addiction. Fast forward to this last year and having suffered a complete mental break that nearly resulted in taking my life, and I finally went back into the mental health system. For most of my life, I brushed aside that my ADHD was a thing, but now with recovering from rock bottom mentally, I have discovered so much about the benefits of my condition. For the first time in my life I feel like I make sense, and all that bullshit from my past makes sense too.
Now I have a better ability to understand my condition and see the way my mind works both positive and negative. I understand that for most of my life I felt like an outsider, but now I realize that was a result of my condition and that I can bring a lifetime of first-hand knowledge to discussions like these. For most of my life I hated who I am, but now I am learning to see the beauty of having been different, though I still struggle”
It is estimated that around 1 in 7 of us are neurodivergent in some way. That is 15% of the population. Making alliances with other like minded people can be traumatic, and the inability to be able to do this can leave sufferers feeling isolated and alone.
“Very isolated- I have met a wonderful friend in another musician who is seeking a diagnosis currently and I do think it helps substantially to have other neurodiverse people around us as we can communicate fantastically and understand each other”
The world of work can be most traumatic, especially when surrounded by neurotypicals (which is almost everywhere!). With an estimated 71% of neurodivergent people out of work, how do those who are able to hold down a job manage to navigate the world of employment, and this includes the possibility (or not) of declaring any conditions to those higher up the food chain? The Tattooed Mama makes it pretty clear.
“I didn’t” she says, “I used to be a clinical scientist and due to my literal thinking I was made fun of so left. My huge love in life is metaphysics and philosophy and I hate small talk so I really struggled to interact with people. I then worked in a record store but I was called rude/blunt (I talked a lot about the music I liked and got a bit excited when someone asked me about it or bought a CD of the bands I like). I then went to work in the local authority but it set off my Tourette’s a lot and I had to leave for my own sanity. I now work for myself and started my own business so I don’t have to interact with people which makes life easier”
Guru adds “Work has been extremely difficult my entire life. I have held a job in one way or another since I was about twelve (I had to lie about my age for my first job as a dishwasher). As I said, as a result of my difficulties in schooling I was never able to consider an office job, and had to go into labour. As a chef I excelled, being that having multiple tasks that must be done at the same time felt comforting to me.
As a backline technician high stress situations were second nature and working in the music/performance industry was a dream. Currently I have destroyed my body from years of working labour jobs and have had to begin looking for work in places where I use my mind instead of my body for work, and the change has been impossible. Trying to consider work in those places terrifies me and when I find myself in that mindset, I shut off. If I could make enough money and my body could handle it, I’d be back in a kitchen, because that was one of the only places I felt normal“.
In the case of those diagnosed early on in life (like my own children) family are well aware of the situations that can arise at any given time, and this can include anxiety driven behaviours of many types, including both withdrawal and outbursts. Given that these conditions are generally genetic, this can often be exacerbated because the parents can react in similar ways. For those diagnosed later in life, how the heck do you start to negotiate a whole new set of values and mental, emotional and physical needs? I for one can say that this has been damn near impossible at times.
The more I learn, the more I want to know, and the more I realise that I can change my life and my behaviour to suit both myself and my family . It’s impactful and rewarding, but also emotionally draining and driven by the norms of societal etiquette, something not all neurodivergent people are good at!
Drum and bass music, at least for those in the front facing aspect of the movement rely on performance. How the hell does an anxious person deal with the pressure of performance? Surely that flies in the face of anxiety and all of the difficulties it brings?
For Handsprime it’s not quite so big a deal. He says “When I’m on stage, I tend to let the music do the work for me. I have never experienced stage fright during a set, although I usually do get nervous beforehand, but that’s expected”, yet for Alex from Sarky Dubz “My problem is getting the booking in the first place – I feel blocked (from progressing) at every turn. Once I am on stage I am fine” and then for Guru “When you live your whole childhood being told that you aren’t good enough, or that you aren’t worth the effort, or that you won’t amount to anything it’s hard not to believe that to be true. In the fight, flight or freeze pattern of PTSD sufferers I have lived a life in the freeze state. If I never take the first step, I can’t fail, so I don’t.
Or in the case where I do start something, the feeling of becoming overwhelmed shuts me down instantly. Even just the sense that it may be getting to be too much and I’m out. Often times I spend days after a gig picking it apart, feeling that it wasn’t well performed, or that it wasn’t any good, even amidst a slew of compliments. It’s a constant tug of war in my mind that I shouldn’t be the one performing, that someone would be better for the slot than I am, that even with everything in place for success I’ll still be a failure on the other side of the performance”
Listening however, can create huge benefits and the calming effect of listening to music and watching it live in one capacity or another is often a literal saviour for many neurodivergent people. Twitch and live streams are a source of escape for me and I can lose hours and hours in the chat on live music media platforms.
Rachel has this take on it “Music makes it ok. It is in my head, all day, every day. Whilst it can be overwhelming sometimes (like hearing a single word and it triggering an annoying soundtrack of multiple songs and soundbites that will then pop up daily for the next few weeks) I love the security it gives me. The repetitiveness and expression are comforting to me. However, I REALLY struggle with noise sensitivity – if someone’s snares are a little too harsh in a track, or not tuned, or there’s a sound fx that’s not balanced right, it feels physically painful for me to be there listening to it.
Searching through samples when producing music is possibly one of the worst sensory experiences for me – differences in volume, pitch, and sound in quick succession leave me feeling physically attacked and it’s hard to explain this to people – I worry/assume they think I’m overreacting. If I’m having a good day anxiety/pain wise this is of course not such a problem 😊
And now for the real dichotomy: Public spaces are often notoriously difficult for neurodiverse people to navigate, so where the heck does raving fit in to all this? It dosen’t make sense. Or does it?
Alex has this to say “Because the music at a rave is so loud it’s the noisiest silence you’ll ever find. It’s like the opposite of ‘the silence is deafening’. You also don’t tend to get interrogated by neurotypical people who would normally be either fascinated or intimidated by you. I have found that the fascination or intimidation that others feel often leads to having to cope with their jealousy or aggression.
The whole security experience at events is also sensory overload for me. I find myself feeling unnecessarily aggressive for no reason, maybe because I feel like I’m under attack. When I’ve gone to a venue as a performer or VIP, and not had to go through the above ordeal, I’ve managed to settle into the night much sooner and enjoy myself. I’ve found this to be the case across all genre nights“
Handsprime has also been on the rough end of the condition while out in the clubs, saying “Good question. I actually had a meltdown at a rave earlier this year as I was far from my friends. The biggest solution to going to raves is well, being with people who care about you. If there’s too many people at a rave and you’re far from your friends, it’s recommended that they stop and come to you, otherwise you’re not going to have a good time”
The world of music and entertainment, as much as it is fun, is ultimately an area of trade and commerce. People pay their bills and feed their children with the money they earn from their craft. To succeed in business means being assertive and front facing and confident. That’s all well and good if you’re neurotypical, but what about if you’re the opposite to that? I’ve been running this website for 15 months and I’ve only just plucked up the courage to conduct face to face (webchat) interviews!! It’s an inherent problem for those on the spectrum.
For Guru, it’s been tough “I forced myself to be as inviting as possible with people and begin networking, even though every bone in my body screamed to run away from those situations. Beyond that, I have difficulty remembering names, even using the techniques people have proven to help. So simple greetings were always a nightmare. In the times where I was out and performing the most I was heavily medicating myself with alcohol and marijuana and as such would often outright forget having met people. This in turn made it seem as though I had no care for others.
I firmly believe that were I not the person I am I would have excelled even further within the community I sought out. It’s only been through years of intense work and fortitude that I made a name for myself, finding a niche of a niche and filling that position to its fullest”. The Tattooed Mama also found it tricky, saying “I used to be a burlesque artist and I loved being on stage – it gave me a sense of belonging and fitting in, but it was the backstage and after show antics that exhausted me and made me very self conscious so I retired”
Our anonymous contributor also said “I don’t perform a lot for that exact reason. I don’t have focus problem, but appearing in public is a source of stress and back pain for days”.
In terms of creativity, there seems to be a definite flair for art, creativity and productiveness for those who are neurodiverse, but this can often times be off set with fear of failure, lethargy and lack of confidence which can stunt productiveness. So how do neurodivergent creatives ever get anything done?
Our anonymous contributor has this to say “Impostor syndrome is a common trope which I’m suffering. Mood swings don’t help either” and Rachel has a similar story “All of them yes. Imposter syndrome. Worrying that I’m lazy when I’m really paralysed by mental struggles and physical symptoms. Physical pain on a daily basis but able to go raving (with various support systems) and jump around for those few hours, so then feeling like people don’t believe I have a physical condition either. They don’t see for days after with painkillers & heat patches, thinking whether I did and said the right things, questioning the tiniest details oftentimes spiralling into a low mental state again. Finding the balance has been hard but it is getting better now that I’m more aware of what’s going on (with me)“.
Since embarking on the journey into the admittance and ownership of my own neurodivesity one thing I have noticed above all else, is that in certain circles at least (and by this I mean Twitch), there is a strong element of TRIBE among the neurodivergent people who use the platform. Behind the safety of the chat box people like me seem willing to talk and share their experiences much more openly. But for many people on the neurodivergent spectrum this isn’t always the case. The Tattooed Mama says “I am a fish and I need other fish around me, trying to be a bird up a tree where I don’t belong is impossible. My fish family are my support and where I need to be to thrive and survive”, whereas our anonymous contributor states “Honestly I don’t believe in tribe mentality, I’m a loner, and my life’s well balanced like that, even if it’s a source of sadness, and disconnection from others, avoiding panic triggers, public space, small talk, practicing sports is my own therapy, I fell like I must learn to live with my condition and try to be happy like that” and then again, Alex has a different take on it “I don’t think tribe is the right word. I would call it more of an alliance as there is no leader“.
I asked all of our contributors to leave us with a personal nugget of information, thought or feeling regarding regarding the experience of being neurodiverse and how it affect their place in the world, and I have to say, I felt every one of them right in the feels. To close what I hope will be a thought provoking, evocative and more than anything else, helpful article, here are few things they have left us with.
“Thanks for doing this. It’s been a challenge to complete it but has also helped me to organise my thoughts and understand myself a bit better“
“I want to thank you for raising awareness, people have found me “strange, weird, dorky, goofy” all my life and if instead they just considered me or other neuro-divergent people just “unusual”, that would be a progress in itself“
“I find it hard to imagine a world designed for neurodiverse people, because it feels like it would be so far removed from the one we live in now“
“My parents battled with the authorities to get my statement of special educational needs written as a child to include the positive things I could do, rather than just the negatives that were included as it was originally written. I don’t think you have left much room in this questionnaire for positive sides of being neurodiverse“
And that’s true! We felt like we needed to lay down the facts on the condition and it’s effects, but also agree 100% that there is huge scope for celebration in our neurodiverse world, so keep ’em peeled for our next instalment – CELEBRATING NEURODIVERSITY IN DNB!!!!!!!!!!
FIND OUT MORE HERE:
National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk)
You can also join our friendly, non judegmental Facebook group for help and support. It’s a new group, but we welcome ALL newcomers and want to build on the tribe mentality. Without support we are nothing. With support we can be EVERYTHING!
The Neurodiversity in DNB Facebook Group
